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No​-​Talent Ass​-​Clown

by The Deaf Hear

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1.
i came home after freezing on the bus, and i figured i'd smile and i wouldn't make a fuss about anything that had just transpired, in the latest episode of my life, which i'm constantly turning into a mess, even with all the pretty things that include me in theirs. like this woman that i know, but never had i known her quite like this. and now i'm processing the guilt. and now i'm pouring myself a glass of milk to drink with a biscuit, and so i dip it, and feel like throwing the glass on the ground. i very nearly did it, but i don't know how to lose my grip on all these things that keep me sad. and i just stood there and my best friend's girlfriend came up and hugged me and i cried like she could squeeze all the tears out of me. i don't think i've ever had such red eyes. you would think i was stoned. or being choked. and the devil popped up in my head, and oh, i knelt down and i said, "fuck you, seriously fuck you" and god said, "oh, why don't you pray" and i said, "sometimes what's the use of you?" what's the use of you? i've made all these sacrifices and what's the use of you? God help me.
2.
i'm happy watching you making your mind up do you want me? well kind of been throwing rocks at your window for years now i've been patient and here's how i know its hard to believe but if you can, this body's a temple but everything i own is yours to dismantle you've sharpened your teeth, i see and i just keep clipping my wings but we're birds of a feather, i thought? so now every stone that i threw has been turned in your bedroom where we lay and wait and wait for the word my hands are tied my eyes are sore my mind is occupied all the more no matter what you do but we're birds of a feather, i would have thought?
3.
i saw the bag come down and felt you on me bumps in the road rumble through my body i can't breathe in here i can't breathe a mile to the beach going to wade in the foam your arms out of reach as i drift out alone there's sand in my teeth but they fall out in dreams water beneath and nothing between
4.
i spilt wine on the carpet this afternoon cuz we like to pour salt in an open wound and i picked a fight with a stranger to feel close to you but he turned the other cheek so i resumed you went to work to help the poor and you gave your heart away a little more the coffee burned the tip of your tongue before your sentimental sediment could form and baby i'm sorry (waffle) this is not the way i should be loving you because that's all i want to do this is not the way you showed me today
5.
i'd like a glass of wine as my heart does crave from time to time my heart so saddened by the dimming lamp, atop this lonely chest of drawers to fade into its velvet red and slowly let it fill my head with evidence of love across my walls for even at my best it makes me pause and question my intentions, or the feeling that "succumbs" in such rare moments for joy is such a rarity that it seems odd to visit me bringing to my fire, more firewood we are no more than strangers now no less than friends from childhood but every now and then, somehow, she seems to find me so we break the ice and how better than a glass of wine to unlock this sad and lonely chest of drawers and as the hours pass i notice that her glass is barely finished, yet, still the bottle rolls about the floor and her face is solemn as i break in two she follows with her eyes of bluee as my spirit falls in stupor about the carpet and i know how it must look to her yet i can't wipe my dampened eyes and dry these lonely tears of laughter though nothing could be sadder and so she smiles as she walks away and i shrink back, and with dismay, I mumble, "my... my... i could have had her"
6.
7.
“Holy Smokes” November, 2015 (Journal Entry)
8.
before you leave come talk with me i won't waste your time but you can have mine i'm not what you need i know what you mean i'm a long way off her hand covers her mouth the blood covers the ground im a long way down now run ill peel you off like petals from a flower i will count the times i break your heart i will let you down in showers of violet from above (you're not mine) you will feel i had disrobed you (i can't make you mine) you will feel like never before (you're not mine) you'll ask only that i know you (i can't make you mine) and then once more i will say run Boo! Boo! Boo!

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a collage of bits and bobs as i work out where I am, 2018.

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released May 23, 2018

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The Deaf Hear Melbourne, Australia

“its like when you go to read your own poetry, you get all choked up.”

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